Notes on Grief

Notes on Grief

Grief is rude.

Grief is callous.

Grief no send anybody papa

Or is it Death that makes grief do all these things? Maybe grief is powerless and forced to be what it doesn’s want to

It’s 12:30pm on a Wednesday afternoon and I have to be at work because my colleagues are on their annual leave and we don’t close for the year but I’m feeling numb,

Well, at the time of writing this, a few drops of tears have fallen from my eyes. Apart from that, I feel numb. Very numb. I almost cannot feel my heart beat.

2020 was the year I thought I would die from grief but look at me, more than two years after, I’m still here. Sometimes, I

I think I don’t even deserve to be. But, that’ll just be transferring the grief I bear to others.

My husband has sent pictures from my uncle’s burial. He was still alive this time last week. He’s no longer here.

‘Tis the season to be jolly but in place of cheer are tears, deep, long, heavy sighs that we would never recover from.

What I would usually do is live in denial till the point where I hope the pain of losing a loved one has become bearable but, does it ever?

It’s 12:54pm now I have just finished an episode of bawling out my eyes as the sudden realization of loss hit me. The most recent loss and all the losses I have experienced this year are staring me in the face and I feel so powerless.

I shared something on my Whatsapp status a few days ago and it says “Grief has become that unwanted, unwelcome family member who shows up unannounced, cannot be sent out and eats, and drinks with one. May even sleep with one”.

My husband, as if on cue, has called. I tell him I’m okay but I’m clearly not. I have to put myself together because I’m at work and have to attend to students. Does it ever get better? I don’t think so. I guess we’ll just have to live with but what if we can’t? I don’t know. There are so many things I don’t know.

I also don’t know how to process grief. I don’t know when to cry and when to be strong. I don’t know whether I’ll explode one day from the excess amount of grief in my heart. I don’t know if grief can be in excess. I don’t know How long I’ll live with the fear of losing people who matter a lot to me.

I guess I’ll never know.

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